What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
I've invented a new word! Plagiarism!
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? It's because every scene has a cast!
Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu; you get what you deserve.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and… cola." "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? It's because they make up everything.
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? It's because you should never drink and derive.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? "Curses! Foil again!"
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
What did one hat say to the other? "You wait here. I'll go on a head."
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? "This tastes a little funny."
Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.
What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer? The space bar.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.